Top Ten Games That Shouldn’t Be Made Into Movies

By Liam O'Connor, Tristan Clark

Cross your fingers.

You’ve no doubt by now read our feature on the top ten games that should be made into movies. On the flipside of the coin, it’s time to explore ten games that shouldn’t, no matter what, be made into movies – live action movies that is. The kind of games that would make Uwe Boll’s cinematic offerings look like Citizen Kane. Games that when made into movies would be the equivalent of turning Koyaanisqatsi into a video game. Games that... you get the idea. Anyway, without further ado, here are the top ten games that should never grace the big screen.

Katamari Damacy

Why It Would Suck: Katamari Damacy is one of those games that would actually make a brilliant movie for all the wrong reasons if the source material was adhered to. The kind of movie that Snakes on a Plane would like to be when it grows up. Unfortunately, Hollywood would butcher Katamari Damacy beyond all recognition.

Possible Plot: Dr Robet Segyum (played by Jeff Goldblum) has invented the perfect waste disposal device: a small orb that will assimilate everything it rolls over known as Katamaris. These Katamaris can then be launched into space, leaving the world free of waste. However, when a corporation heavily invested in recycling sabotages his laboratory, a rogue Katamari starts rolling out of control and absorbing the entire city. It’s up to Dr Segyum to find a way to hault the Katamari’s onslaught without getting absorbed himself.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Why It Would Suck: An animated feature about the exploits of Sonic on the planet Mobius might not be so bad. However, Sega threw out that canon years ago. Given Sonic’s new interaction with humans, it can only be assumed that Sonic the Hedgehog would be like a cross between the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? – except not awesome.

Possible Plot: The mild mannered Dr Kintobor has been working with the conductive properties of a new mineral unearthed in Arizona. After a catostrophic accident in his lab, Dr Kintobor is transformed into the evil Dr Robotnik (played by Danny De Vito). Realising the potential powers of this mineral, Robotnik starts building an army of robots to scour the globe for more samples. However, along with the transformation of Kintobor comes the mutation of his pet hedgehog, Sonic. Blessed with new powers including super speed, Sonic takes it upon himself to stop Robotnik and save the world.

Dance Dance Revolution

Why It Would Suck: This was a toss-up between Singstar: The Movie and DDR: The Movie. In the end, DDR won for one reason. DDR is a fantastic game. DDR would make an atrocious movie. Given that the majority of the game has you stepping on arrows in time to the music, the only way to make a movie about DDR is to make a movie about kids playing DDR. It doesn’t take a genius to realise that no good can come from that.

Possible Plot: Shia LaBeouf stars as Trip Wessel in Dance Dance Revolution: Stop To My Beat. A social outcast – think his role in Transformers – Trip dreams of being a professional dancer. However, his dreams are shattered when he finds out that he has the coordination of a buffalo in stilettos. Crushed, he spends his days playing Dance Dance Revolution in his room. Before too long he discovers that he has a high score on one of the leaderboards. Deciding that this could be his ticket to salvation, Trip enters a local DDR competition at his local arcade. Before too long, he finds himself heading to the DDR nationals in Japan. But will he be ready for his biggest challenge yet: the 10-year-old Asian girl?

Custer’s Revenge

Why It Would Suck: If you’re unfamiliar with the history of this revolting title, you can do a little research here. I think it speaks for itself.

Possible Plot: I’m not even going to go there . . . .

The Sims

Why it would suck: This one’s a no brainer – but it makes the list because of the staggering fact that it’s actually being made into a movie. No, we kid you not – and the head of the Sims Studio has actually gone on record saying how perfectly suited the franchise is for an adaptation. Guh??

Possible plot: God loses the plot somewhat, and starts sadistically toying with people and their lives. Watch in horror as he traps a young, promising businessman (played by Edward Norton) in an attic and leaves him to starve and relieve himself all over the place! Recoil in fear as his ghost proceeds to unsettle his loving wife, child, and dog! Truly, a morality play for the 21st century.

SingStar

Why it would suck: It wouldn’t, because how on earth could you possibly even make it? But if they tried, imagine the kind of Disney Channel-esque crap that would fill up all 120 minutes.

Possible plot: Two young teenagers, nicknamed Red and Blue, take each other on in a corrupt underground singing tournament. But they must put their rivalry aside and join together as a duet when the evil Count Wannabe tries to usurp the competition! Soundtrack now available in all leading music stores.

Civilization

Why it would suck: Movies require a single linear narrative. Civilization has the opposite: an almost infinite number of player-created stories that see the Romans develop space ships and Genghis Kahn conquer America.

Possible plot: An evil genius from the future goes back in time and tries to recruit all the leaders of history into his diabolical plans. But things go awry, until the excellent heroic duo (played by Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves) save the day by restoring history to its proper place.

Bomberman

Why it would suck: Okay, so maybe you could stretch things a little and make an animated movie that would merely be bad or mediocre. But can you imagine live action bombermen running around the place? Wow.

Possible plot: It’s the year 2145. Due to a horrendous disease, everyone has gotten swollen heads, and they try to hide their shameful visages underneath helmets that look like TVs. Corporations also rule the world (naturally), and for their amusement they chuck innocent civilians into mazes and arm them with…bombs. Can Sally (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Harry (Justin Timberlake) escape and plant a bomb under the seat of the corporation boss (Tom Cruise) before everyone blows themselves to smithereens?

Gauntlet

Why it would suck: While Doom arguably had no plot, it at least had a premise, and so a film was made. While Gauntlet also has a premise, it makes Doom’s one look positively Shakespearian.

Possible plot: Four adventurers stumble upon a dungeon with a never ending stream of enemies inside. Assuming treasures await them at the end, the team spends 120 minutes hacking and slashing, only to run out of food and die. To make things feel more realistic, it could all be filmed on a handy-cam (Cloverfield-style). Unknown B-grade actors would play the principal roles, but perhaps Liam Neeson could voice all the grunts and cries of the enemy hordes.

Tetris

Why It Would Suck: It’s Tetris. Actually, on second thought, it could be perfectly awesome as well:

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Posted by nightmarishrequiem on 17 July 2008, 09:32PM

lol gosh I hope they don't after reading that!! Though there are always was to integrate some stuff and make an effective film... who knows!

Posted by xSHADOWx on 19 July 2008, 03:37PM

wtf Lol tetris the movie.

Posted by BlackRetina on 3 August 2008, 02:04AM

I wouldn't mind seeing Tom Cruise's facial expression when the bomb goes off. Or the bomb tearing him apart.