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A story of mystery and intrigue... or not

Published: Thu 24 Jul, 2008 | 4 Comments

I’d like to tell you about a rather strange surprise party I held recently.

“SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE…. is here” came an excited yell from someone keeping watch by the window. Everyone ducked into position behind the furniture and lights were switched off.  Then we waited. And waited.  And waited. Several minutes later when he still hadn’t arrived at the door, the confused guests started searching round the house and garden for the guest of honour. I thought I smelled cigarette smoke coming from inside a dumpster but no one seemed to be there. Back in the house I found myself alone in a room at which point I heard “freeze” and snake appeared out of nowhere pointing a bottle of wine at me. “Thanks for the party” he said, but he didn’t look surprised.

A knock at the door. I answered it to greet someone I did not recognise. “ Hi, who are you?” I queried. “Please select name” he responded. “What?” “Please select name”. “Huh”. “You cannot continue without selecting name”. “You’re INSANE!” I responded. A sudden change in his expression and he said “Hi, I’m INSANE. I am a wood elf although you will get one chance to alter my race, hairstyle and attributes at a later point if you wish”. With that he proceeded inside. I followed him through the house to the back yard where he dived into the pool fully clothed and started swimming round in circles. “What the hell are you doing” I yelled. “I need to increase my athletics skill before I can sleep” he responded.

Heading back into the house I noticed a bit of an argument going on. “He’ll take me on the date to Gold Saucer”… “No you bitch, he’ll take me”. “Me!” “No me”. At this point Tifa raised up her fists and Aeris drew her staff, and they took turns attacking each other. Finally Barrett walked up, knocked both women over, and said “Cloud will take me on the date, won’t he” winking at Cloud who had been standing stoically nearby. At this point a look of terror appeared across Cloud’s face, and he ran away.

I followed him down to the nearby beach, where he ran along a pier to get away, only to find that he was being prevented from jumping off it by an invisible barrier of some kind. Unfortunately the barrier did not prevent him from knocking Tommy, a local criminal, into the water. Not only could Tommy not swim, but he managed to die within seconds while still on the surface of the water. He must have the lung capacity of a flea. I whipped out my phone to call the police. The conclusion from them a few minutes later was that Tommy had been on the pier to collect a package. I didn’t ask what it was a package of.

Returning to the house I found all the guests searching for Snake. They had been ready to cut the cake when they realised no one had seen the guest of honour since he first arrived. I joined the search for him, at which point I found INSANE stuck between a rock and a tree. “What happened?” I asked. He said “I wanted to help look for Snake, but now I can’t move”. “Have you tried jumping?” “Yes” “How about attacking the tree?” “Yes” “Fast travelling?” “I can’t, some of the party guests are enemies”. “Well you’re screwed till the party is over then”.

At that point I heard gunshots. I ran to investigate to find that my new neighbour who had just immigrated from eastern Europe was taking down all my party guests with an assault rifle. But before he could shoot me he suddenly fell asleep. At the point Snake emerged from the vent in the corner of the room, gave me a satisfied look, and walked out.

It was certainly an interesting night.

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