kate_robyn's Blogs

The Truth about Gamers

Published: Thu 28 Aug, 2008 | 27 Comments

Donutta and Ysolla have done an admirable job of arguing that gamers can’t all be grouped together as one.  “What we are is a great big melting pot” they claim.  “Don’t fence us in”. 

 

I respect the efforts they’ve made in trying to convince New Zealand that gamers are as diverse as any group of society, whether we’re talking about painters, joggers, or foot-fetishists.  Clearly, however, this is crap.  All gamers are exactly the same, and despite what Liam and Nicki may say, there are several facts about the gaming world that cannot be denied. 

 

Because I am a firm believer in freedom of information, liberty, and the Patriot Act, I will share these facts with you now.

 

FACT ONE:  All gamers look the same.

 

How do you know if you’re looking at a gamer?  Simple.  They will show specific physical characteristics such as pale skin, greasy hair and a noticeably curved spine. 

 

Due to the extensive workout they get, the hands of gamers are often heavily muscular, and conventional gloves do not fit their brawny fingers.  Be on the lookout for men wearing mittens.

 

FACT TWO:  All gamers are boys.

 

No one will argue with me on this one.  Gaming belongs in the Male Domain, much like watching sports, drinking beer, or being allowed to vote.  Any girl that claims to like games is only doing so because she wants to be perceived as friendly and non-threatening (read: an easy lay).

 

FACT THREE: All gamers smell.

 

As both gamers and vampires are pale and rarely seen in daylight hours, many naïve folk have understandably gotten the two confused.  Not sure if you’re looking at the owner of a PS2 or a walking corpse?  My advice is to lean close and inhale.  Vampires have the recognisable aroma of rotting flesh about them, whereas the gamer smells like a combination of sweat and fried chicken.  Learn to differentiate the two; it may save your life.

 

FACT FOUR:  Gamers hate non-gamers.

 

The government keeps it very hush-hush, but attacks on civilians by gamers are becoming an increasingly common occurrence in today’s society.  Perhaps it has happened to you?  Take this quick quiz to find out.

 

Have you ever:

1. …been spat at and called a ‘n00b’* on the street?
2. …been strangled with the cord from an Xbox controller?
3. …been tied to a chair and beaten with a Wii remote?

If you answered ‘yes’ to one or more of these questions it appears that you have been the victim of an attack from a gamer.  Much like how Christians hate atheists, or wizards hate muggles, gamers plot the annihilation of all those who do not own an Xbox. 

 

*They call you ‘n00b’, of course, because it is Latin for 'he who shuns make-believe and embraces the three-dimensional world with vitality’.

 

FACT FIVE: There is no such thing as opinion.

 

Gamers may seem to have a healthy sense of debate over whether Halo is better than its sequel, but this is just an illusion.  The International Gamers Council (IGC) declared opinion to be ineffective in 1982, as people were wasting time arguing when they could be improving their Donkey Kong score. 

 

Since 1982 the IGC have decided as a collective what games are best.  These decisions become The Truth and are filtered down to the gaming community through subliminal messaging and the common cold virus.  Sound far-fetched?  What about the fact that the word ‘gamer’ can be rearranged to make ‘a germ’? 

 

Exactly.

 

FACT SIX: Gamers own everything.

 

Would a builder go to work without a hammer and a screwdriver?  I don’t think so.  Likewise, gamers own all available consoles with a variety of games for each.  If you don’t see a PS3 in the home of a gamer it just means you aren’t looking hard enough.  Try underneath the kitchen sink, or perhaps in the laundry hamper.  Look for the telltale sign of an LED shining from underneath the couch, or a mismatched controller stuffed into a drawer.

 

How can they afford to buy all of this equipment, you may ask?  Well, rent tends to be cheap when you live in your parents’ basement.

 

FACT SEVEN:  Gamers are just one Grand Theft Auto challenge away from going on a murderous rampage, mowing down elderly ladies with stolen cop cars.

 

The newspapers say so, it must be true.  Case closed.

Read all of kate_robyn's blogs »» Return to Top