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How to Shop II (How to Shop and Make a Retailers Life Hell)

Published: Tue 5 Aug, 2008 | 11 Comments
Tags: Shopping Retail Game Sale Job Guide to real life How Shop Hell

Step One – Upon Entering the Store

 

Take a look around at the general tidiness of the store. If the place is already messy then half of your fun has already been taken by other hopeful shoppers from hell. If the store is tidy however then take great care to mess up any neat or structured order to the way the stock is laid out. For example: A sales table is generally messy, but in the case that it is tidy have a browse through the items, then when you're done with them simply throw them on to the table. It doesn't really matter where since you aren't trying to win favor here.

Step Two – When Approached

 

If a staff member approaches you and asks if you “Want any help today?” Simply ignore them as if you didn't hear a word they said. If they ask you again turn around, give them a quick look up and down and say “I'm just browsing” This will give the staff member the initial indication that you are either having a bad day or you're quite bad with human interaction (or – just being a dick)

 

Step Three – When Browsing

 

If you're wondering through the store with a friend then make a habbit of making at much noise as you can. If you want to add that extra 'zing' then carry a skateboard with you. This will slot you in nicely to the stereo-type of someone who can be associated with being a bit of a rule breaker (nothing against skaters, its just that the kids who skate at the Girven Road skate park who come into the Bayfair mall with all their little bad-mouthed buddies need to learn some manners). When picking up an item to take a closer look hang onto it, walk around to the other side of the store and place it back there when you're finished. This will guarantee extra 'aggro' especially if a staff member sees you.

Step Four – When Purchasing

 

When purchasing your goods try to bargain as hard as possible with the cashier for a discount. Don't even ask politely – just instruct that you shop here “All the time” and have bought X amount of goods over the past few weeks, even if you haven't really. If they deny you a discount then start going on about discounts you get “All the time” from other stores or from other employees. This takes some skill as you may have to take down the name of the staff member that isn't rostered on that day.

 

When a staff member is processing the sale try to fish out as many coins as you can. These take a long time to process and can give the staff nightmares. Also – while they're counting talk to them as much as possible to distract them from the job they're trying to accomplish. Ask questions, these are the best distractive verbal tactics to use.

Step Five – Go Out With a Bang

 

If you find even the smallest of processes wrong with your shopping experience then tell the staff member about it – in a loud and arrogant voice. Make a scene and argue for as long as possible, this will totally stress out the staff member and probably confuse them as well. The best time to pick an argument is when you're making your purchase. This blocks the staff member behind the register from serving other customers and you will be the focus of attention for all other patrons to see.

 

I hope you enjoyed the guide to shopping like an asshole. This may come in practical use for a particular store you may not like or a particular staff member you do not like. On the other hand if you want to shop with some respect and make your life (and the retailers) easier then head over to How to Shop (Without Making a Retailers Life Hell)

 

Happy shopping!

 

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